As I said in my previous post, I moved to Richmond in the summer of 2005 to begin my pharmacy education at VCU. I had a great apartment and a new roommate who would become one of my very best friends, but I absolutely did not want to go. The closer it came the more apparent it was to me that I was going to be struggling with it for a little bit. It wasn't the move or school, I simply didn't want to leave my boyfriend and family or the life I'd become comfortable with at Virginia Tech. I'd just seen a family fall apart after losing its patriarch in April and I had emotions appear I never knew I was capable of. Realizing that I had to move forward, I packed up my car and headed northeast in August to begin a new chapter. Kellie, my new roommate, and I headed to day 1 of orientation convinced we were ready and willing for what lie ahead. Well, at least willing.
A few short weeks later, I recall sitting on one of the stone benches outside of the pharmacy building on campus feeling more disappointed, uncertain, and desperate than I quite possibly ever had. Recall that chemistry issue from the first post? Well, after receiving a grade on my first Medicinal Chemistry exam that was the lowest in the class of 130 (and lowest of my life), I promptly called my father to tell him I wasn't going to make it and he had better be prepared to come and get me. I remember all to clearly his words to me that day. They were much more heartwarming than the ones from the "blue van." :) He said "Traci, you can't quit. You aren't a quitter and you've never given up on anything you've set out to do. This is nothing but a bump in the road and I know you can do it." Those are words that I think I'll always remember. I decided then that I would do everything I could to make it. That's not to say that there weren't many more days of tears and frustration, followed by moments of fearing I wouldn't be allowed to return to the program once the semester ended. However, by May, I saw the end of my first year as a pharmacy student and garnered a new nickname by a few of my classmates. "Clutch Poole" was born from those many "skin of my teeth" moments I had and my P1 year brought about a group of amazing new friends, relationships, and a future husband. I had made it, miraculously.
By the summer of 2006, I'd headed home to be with my new fiancee and work. It was then I took my first trip to Las Vegas only to return home to learn that I had been sick with mononucleosis since the middle of the second semester. I spent the majority of the summer either in the bed sick or completely trashing my body by staying out too late like every other 21 year old I knew. I also saw the demise of a 5 year relationship happen before my eyes as my 8 month engagement to the love of my life ended a week before I was to start school. I recall getting in the car and heading to Richmond knowing somehow my life wouldn't ever be the same. On my way up interstate-81, I received a phone call from my biggest fan, closest friend, and confident; my Aunt Sarah. It'd had been a day or two and the news had spread from family member to family member. She wanted to check in on me.
We engaged in a conversation for a minute or two only to be abruptly cut off by someone else for an unknown reason. I say it is unknown because this is the last time I would ever speak to her. You see, I became so angry with her that she would get off of the phone with me during such an important time that I refused to call her and decided to silently fume at her absence in my time of need instead. Knowing my 22nd birthday was only a few short days away, I would wait for her to call me before I said anything about it.
On my birthday, Aug 23, I'm accustomed to being awakened by either my mother or father, usually both, around my birth time of 7:45AM (sounds fantastic doesn't it?) followed closely by my Aunt Sarah, who always got up with the roosters. I recall waking up a couple of times that morning and realizing no one had called yet. Not thinking much of it, I returned to sleep. My first call on my 22nd birthday came at 9:30ish from my younger brother. He, unfortunately, was the one who had to tell me that Sarah had unexpectedly passed away early that morning and that was the reason I hadn't heard from anyone.
Needless to say, the second year of pharmacy school is a blur. I spent the next few months in what I liken to a fog. I did all I could, short of illegal chemicals, to make sure my mind was elsewhere. I threw myself into work and school, hanging out all hours of the night with my friends, and spent entirely too much time in dysfunctional relationships. I spent a large majority of the year ill and had a second confirmed diagnosis of mono by Jan 2007 with various bouts of strep throat and walking pneumonia thrown in.
It was also the year I rediscovered my love for the entertainment industry and began competing for Miss VA USA. It was then that I reconnected with a very special individual whom I credit with helping bring me back to the living and making me realize my current state was no way to live a life. I somehow reached deep down, put my trust and faith in the Lord, and decided to return to being the person I knew I was. Without getting too personal, I returned to school and decided to refocus on what I was there to do. It was this attitude that made me realize I was truly where I was meant to be.
My third year of pharmacy school was by far the most successful, fun, and least stressful of my time in pharmacy school. Besides some of the residual daily stresses, I truly enjoyed it! It was then I discovered a love for helping those people I saw while working at CVS. I began to form personal relationships with my patients and began to realize that I was meant to work closely with people and do my best to make a difference. It became time to consider my options post-graduation and I decided I would follow my mentor, Amy Whitaker, into community practice/academia, which would entail at least a year-long residency program.
Rotations began in May of 2008. I realized at that moment that all of the hardships I had faced throughout the last few years weren't for nothing and that I was prepared for life as a pharmacist. I had struggled through and come out on the other end scarred but much wiser. My first 4 rotations went so well and I gained more confidence as my evaluators reinforced my abilities. I started to feel worthy and intelligent again. I began to realize that there was more that I could do to contribute to the lives of others.
As soon as I became comfortable the bumps reappeared. In Sept 2008, as I was driving back from the Labor Day holiday in SWVA, I wrecked and totaled my car. By all rights, I shouldn't be here typing this blog. I was incredibly lucky and came away fairly unscathed. I recall losing control of the car and thinking to myself, "OK God, I guess this is it" and taking a deep breath to prepare for my impending death. The moment I realized I was alive, I immediately burst into tears. I couldn't believe I had made it. Even my precious Beamer was spared. God wasn't finished with me yet. There were numerous people who came to my rescue, but the one who sticks out the most is the man who parked his car in front of mine, walked back to my window, and after he realized I was alright stated "I hope you realize who was driving this car today. You are a very lucky young lady and should never forget that God was with you."
I returned to rotations a week later and nursed my bumps and bruises for a couple of weeks. I was preparing for the Miss VA USA competition again and had incredibly high hopes that I would take it all that year. Of course, my gown had been completely destroyed in my car accident (are we seeing a pattern of luck yet?), but it didn't matter, I was focused and ready. So focused and ready that I missed the big family gathering in Knoxville, TN for the Florida/UT football game. My father's entire side of the family got together, which is an unusual thing for the Poole's. It was probably one of the only times in my adult life that it actually pained to miss something with my family. I had no idea how much I would regret my workaholic tendencies until about 2 weeks later.
On October 11, 2008, my family was ripped apart with grief by my older brother, David's, suicide. I will never, in my life, forget the phone call from my Daddy at 11:30PM and hearing the agony in my mother's voice in the background as he gave me the news. I drove home through the night to SWVA not caring about any of the obligations that lie ahead of me for the following week of rotation. Once the funeral services were over and we were forced back into our old lives without David, I moved forward and pretended everything was OK. I competed in Miss VA 1 week after my brother's death at the urging of my family and was named 1st runner up. I returned to school and work as if nothing had happened. I was tough, I could handle anything. Until February 2009. It was a lonely night on my couch, after an argument with my ex, and the sudden realization came that I had just had all I could take. I called my family and informed them that if they didn't come to get me, I would be quitting school. This was 6 weeks before I was to finish (crazy, I know). Apparently having some foresight this would happen, I had pre-arranged my last rotation to be in Wise so that I could spend time with my family before graduation. This was to start in 2 weeks, but that was too long. I needed to leave and I needed it to be then. My best friend drove down from Fredericksburg and held my hand until my Mom, Dad, and dogs arrived at 3AM. I bowed out, not-so-graciously, of the rest of my current rotation, packed up my 2 bedroom apartment in 2 days, completed a residency interview in North Carolina, and headed to SWVA not sure where or what my next step would be.
Since this post is quite long and my Lola is incessantly growling at an unknown "intruder" (aka the A/C blowing my bedroom door), I'm going to leave you with that. It's a good time to begin a post regarding the next phase of my education and journey to Nashville, anyway. I hope everyone is enjoying reading these and I promise they will become more relevant and most importantly, shorter, once I start blogging about my daily activities as a faculty member :).
Goodnight all.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31
